My Crap Therapist - the Internet

The Internet is good for many things. 

Finding out the elephant population of Africa, Kim Kardashian’s current weight (considerably less than an African elephant, should you be remotely interested), the latest sports results – all good stuff, and if you ask Google a question, you can usually find the answer. It might not necessarily be the factually correct answer, but at least it gives you the illusion of real communication.

   

What the Internet is not good for is dealing with life’s emotional problems. Thank you for all of you who have expressed concern during what has been something of a difficult time for me, and my apologies for having been off the radar. But sometimes, hibernation is necessary: a time to reflect on life’s sadness; a time to beat yourself up and, realising that you are not all bad, build yourself up again. 

During my emotional self-flagellation phase (sadly, it’s one of the symptoms of depression – see previous blog), I sought help from the Internet when something called “Chakra Healing” caught my eye. That’s it, I thought: my chakras are out of balance. That’s what’s made me a horrible, unlovable human being, who does and says all the wrong things.

   

So, I filled in the online form to see where it was all going wrong and check out which chakras were closed, weak or strong. The results came back within minutes.

   

First, the good news: “Your Root Chakra is Strong.” Hoo-flamin'-ray. That was the best news I’d had all week; I was feeling better already. But what did it mean? Well, apparently: “Everybody envies you for your uncanny ability to make, save and invest money.” Friends who know the history of my financial astuteness are doubtless already being attended to by paramedics. It went on: “You always have more than enough money to go on holiday and buy what you want.” 

I certainly go on holiday and buy what I want, the only proviso being that I never actually have enough money to do so; that just never stops me, though.

   

There, I am afraid, the good news about my chakras ends. Let’s go through the results of the other chakras.

FOOT: weak. I feel confused about my life path (Never).

SACRAL: weak. I rarely have the inclination to have sex (So wrong. Don’t go away, paramedics; my friends might expire from laughter at this point).

THROAT: weak. I am known as the “quiet one” in my professional and social circles (Oh, YEAH? REALLY? D’you wanna go outside and argue about it?).

INTUITIVE: weak. I am indecisive, uncommitted and unconfident of the decisions I make (My bank manager so wishes this were true).

PERSONAL POWER: weak. I struggle with self-esteem issues and feelings of unworthiness. This is more like it. Spot on.

Now, here’s the icing on the cake. 

My CROWN chakra is CLOSED! Closed. Shut. Silent. I feel little or no connection to a higher power. No shit, Sherlock. You’re dead right on that one, and very grateful I am for it. Apparently, my anger that my higher power has abandoned me is what is giving me migraines and tension headaches (I haven’t had them for 30 years).

   

And here’s the double icing: my HEART chakra is also closed. I sabotage relationships with anger and distrust. Well, yes. But being attracted to people who fuel those insecurities is the real problem. What’s going on with their damned chakras, eh, Ms Chakra Expert Carol Tuttle?

   

As always, in times of distress, it is best to turn to one’s friends, who love you unconditionally, who can look at a situation objectively and point out that you’re only human. They are also able to point out that while you may think you are the most dreadful person in the world, others are not so perfect either, and you might not be 100% the maker of your own misery when you want to crawl under a stone and die (Actually, the stone idea didn’t appeal; I was thinking more of jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, but was too nervous to take the subway there in case I jumped under a train en route, which would have made me a very ugly corpse with my chakras all over several yards of track).

   

And so, thank you to my lovely friends who have been listening to my blubbering, and I apologise if I alarmed you. And if there is a writing chakra, I can be confident that I still have that, no matter how much chaos might have been operating elsewhere.

   

But coming through the other side of any black hole is ultimately refreshing, and, as one song goes, I Can See Clearly Now. 

And, as the Bee Gees sang: “And the rain will fall.” 

It will. But not forever. 

The sun’ll come out tomorrow. 

Ok, that’s enough singing.